You say why, and I say I don't know
Oh, no You say goodbye and I say hello
[excerpt from Hello Goodbye by the Beatles]
Growing up I listened endlessly to an old BASF tape cassette recording of the Beatles. It was my first experience as a teenager connecting to the darker parts of my life. 'Blackbird singing in the dead of night...take these broken wings and learn to fly,' filled the corners of my room as it did the corners of my adolescent angst. I do believe the Beatles were the original 'teen spirit'. And once again, twenty years later, I glean from them the understanding I need to look at my biggest hindrance: detachment-attachment.
In meditation last night, the Dharma teacher shared a story about a realization she had one day when everything she looked at, she appreciated more because she realized that as she said 'hello' she would at some point (sooner or later) say 'goodbye'. She didn't mean that one just lets go of enjoyment or love or people or jobs. This concept is not about giving up all one's worldly possessions or pleasures. Indeed detachment is often the other side of the coin of attachment, only reinforcing the concept of clinging. Instead, it is about embracing the moments and watching them wax and wane without pushing away or holding on so tightly. For loving unconditionally. With faith.
Fundamentally, I get change. I'm a huge proponent of change. I grew up in 7 different homes, 6 different schools. Being in the tech industry, I have also had the fortune to change jobs frequently and get a wide range of experiences. I almost know nothing else.
But now, I have had to welcome Hemochromatosis into my life. It's all very good to be so 'tongue in cheek'. It is hard to articulate what a 'sea change' this kind of health issue has had on me in the span of a few short paragraphs. When I heard the meditation leader's story, I thought I recognized that in me that which has always and even more strongly sees everything around me as 'hello'. I also thought I recognized an ability to say 'goodbye'. But then as I reflected on it, because I've seen and felt a lot of loss in my life, I believe I greet every person and experience as 'goodbye, hello'. I'm pretty sure that is missing the point. I'm pretty sure that I say 'goodbye' to many experiences I never then have a chance to say 'hello' to.
That realization brought to mind a boyfriend who spoke to me about 'trust'. At the time, I believe he was a little frustrated with me but he meant well. I didn't really understand it. I thought I was being so nonchalant. I thought my little questions were casual. But I often have a 'piglet' (from Winnie the Pooh) complex and don't expect others to pick up on my innermost feelings. But some people can really surprise you with their ability to notice you. And I have this underlying issue that I wasn't even aware of. I really appreciate that someone took the time to point it out to me, as later when I started to really understand what trust means for me, that seed he planted grew into understanding.
The order of my 'goodbye, hello' is something I am going to keep reflecting on and noticing in my life. I hope I can reverse it to 'hello, goodbye'.
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